Today, I would like to spread the truth about a show that has long dominated the hearts of American television watchers. Many people do not remember the horrible times in broadcasting history, when evil was at its greatest and children lived in fear of the elders they watched on TV each night.
Ask anyone on the street these days and they'll tell you differently, but I, of course, know the truth and am willing to share it here and now.
Back in the earlier days, when Wheel of Fortune was starting out, the Tremendous Group of Evildoers took over the program for a bit and replaced Pat Sajak with a being of impenetrable evil. Unknowing contestants appeared on the show, giving in to temptations like big cash prizes, automobiles, and expensive vacations to places like Moscow, Uruguay, and Topeka, Kansas.
In a hideously evil plot, the Nega-Sajak altered spaces on the wheel which would terminate a contestants’ life, appropriately placed on the side opposite of the infamous Bankrupt space. Now a lot of people would claim something to the following:
“Hey, now, I’ve been watching the Wheel since I was a small child growing up in Tornado Alley, USA. In all of my many years watching, I do not remember anyone being destroyed next to the wheel when I watched on my television when it wasn’t being blown out the window by terrible, terrible winds.”
The answer to this is simple, and can only be detected by the most studious of Telecommunications enthusiasts. Nega-Sajak corrupted the taped prints as they made their way out of the editing lab. He re-cut the show to exclude the horrific images of murder that would have been seen on the regularly broadcasted program. Leaving the bloody footage on the cutting room floor, no one watching at home was the wiser. Contestants who appeared on the show and did not make it out of the studio had submitted information about themselves prior to taping the show. This was done so Nega-Sajak could use a form letter and adjust it for each terminated person.
(the following is an actual letter transcribed for re-posting here)
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Dear Sir or Ma’am:
It is I, (name of contestant), writing to you, my (relationship to loved one). Remember all of those years ago, when you and I would spend time growing up? Who would have thought that we’d be here, where we are currently, after all of these years have passed. I remember when (name of pet) was just starting out and we had that birthday party for him or her at (place of first job). Whether or not you mentioned it, I knew you wanted to name it (mother’s maiden name), but I was not going to have any of that. I remember when you sent that funny picture to me at (e-mail address), wasn’t that something? What a life we’ve led together, huh? Anyway, I’m leaving forever.
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Shocking. If that was not enough, there was another hidden space on the wheel that would not demand the contestant’s life, but their soul. The unlucky soul would remain in the center of the wheel, powering the nefarious deeds that would overrun the people of Saskatchewan. This did not require the same editing techniques that were necessary to cover up the multiple counts of murder. Instead, Nega –Sajak ran a microphone to the wheel itself, and would cover the horrible screams of the damned with the sound of the wheel’s natural clicking and clacking. Oddly enough, this concept is continued to this day, the show currently has the wheel on microphone so that viewers can hear the wheel as it turns.
Fret not, for the new lord of all doom was felled by a mighty tree. Yes, as Nega-Sajak toured the land that would soon bow down before him, a tree randomly broke at the trunk and its tremendous size and weight crushed Nega-Sajak where he stood. Scientists explain this phenomenon as resulting from the tree’s losing battle with people often sitting underneath its shady limbs and a very localized earthquake measuring at least a 9.0 on the Richter Scale. People who called those very scientists nerds claimed that it was an act of a higher power, and the end result is that we now celebrate Arbor Day…sometime…during the year.
...oh yeah, Pat Sajak was returned and the show continued as usual
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